Introduction

“Why do you believe in God?”

Over the years, I’ve been asked, and have given various answers to this question. From pithy saying like “Jesus loves me” to profound articulations––“His ineffable, inexplicable, but overwhelming presence …” ––I’ve always found an answer. But were one to ask me now, I could only respond with “I don’t know … if He even exists.”

Raised in a pastoral household, I was nurtured on doubt and faith. My earliest memories comprise of clutching my bible in one hand, a scribbled list of questions in the other, and running to my father. A debate would ensue, perhaps for minutes or even hours, but it would always end with a biblical truth: God is good, God is love, God is just. Satisfied with his argument, I would go back, meditating on his words.

However, my faith was nominal, theoretical. I knew scripture, but didn't believe. Only in 2023 did I finally encounter God and profess my faith.

Since then, I have been living a "Christian" life: daily prayer, scripture reading, worship, etc. I would even evangelize at secular conferences, start worship sessions in my hotel room, debate theology with strangers, and write essays exploring Christianity.

Outwardly, I was the ideal Christian; pastors, parents, peers, even non-believers would applaud my "spiritual maturity," "intellect," "love for Christ." And inwardly, I identified with it because it was easy, satisfying, and socially valued.

Now, I am shattering my faith, on purpose. My faith was comparable to a wine glass: an exquisite and beautiful top ... with frail support. I was so enraptured by the manifestations of faith (and what it provided me) that I overlooked my basis of faith.

Fundamentals

Above, I mentioned overlooking the basis of my faith, but failed to define it. This is my personal understanding on the basis of faith: a belief in the existence and perfect nature of God. One must believe that a) God exists b) God is perfect. The second condition, often overlooked, is equally important as the first; the imperfection of God allows for a polytheistic belief including the Christian God.

How one comes to fulfill these requirements is debated. Put simply, the Calvinists believe in God's choice and irresistible grace, meaning one is pre-destined (or not) for salvation and cannot do anything to change it. The Armenians believe in one's free will to choose salvation and possibility of losing it.

For transparency, I lean Calvinist on the mater of pre-destination. Fundamentally, I believe that faith can only come from an epistemically transformative experience allowed by the Holy Spirit.

Exposition of Endeavor

In this section I will exposit the cause, purpose, and goal of this series.

This piece is the introduction to a series of essays will cover the following topics and more: dogmatization of faith, paradox of rationality, atmospheric worship (and spiritual highs), religious identity, an argument against monotheism, and the uniqueness of Christianity.

Coming to Princeton and engaging with the Christian community, I was dismayed. Here, where the brightest minds gathered, people could not articulate their faith. Friends confessed they didn't question God out of convenience, people wrapped their dogmatized faith in pithy saying like "God can't be understood with human reason," believers acted without understanding why.

My conviction grew after taking a philosophy class on existential commitments and religion. For the first time, I read well-articulated, logical, and scientific reasons for multiple faiths (and lack thereof). For the first time, I was challenged to question everything about my faith.

With these experiences, I decided that college would be the opportune time to destroy and rebuild my faith. Because college is one's last protected microcosm of the real world, it's essential to find one's identity before graduating. Without a sense of identity or direction, it's inevitable to be lost. If one can't find the time to tackle questions that matter when a) there's an abundance of resources, b) it's socially acceptable to feel lost, and c) we don't have bills to pay, I doubt they'd find it any easier to tackle those questions later in life. For an example of what happens when we fail to tackle those questions, until it's too late, read my essay on "The Death of Ivan Ilyich".

Beyond my experiences in college, there are three explicit reasons for re-evaluating my faith and writing this series.

The first and foremost reason is this: a strong faith must have a strong foundation. This means that I need to question, and resolve an answer myself on, God's existence and perfect nature. In my years of listening to sermons and reading scripture, I never truly questioned either of those premises of faith. Now, I am asking questions like "are 'spiritual encounters' just the overwhelming of sensory perceptions causing an automatic attribution of the divine" and "why could God not be imperfect and coexist with other gods?" Without understanding and accepting the premises of faith myself—not because my pastor, parents, or friends claimed it true—and reconciling them with scientific/logical explanations, I can never truly have faith. Furthermore, a weak foundation for faith will inedibility fail in times of crisis. Better to rebuild my faith with a sound mind than have it rupture in crisis.

Second, I believe most "Christians" don't understand their faith. They go through the motions of faith, and perhaps even believe in God, but they do not understand. That is inevitable: Because they do not question, they do not understand. Questions—like "what is the meaning of the Apostles Creed", "what does it mean that Christ, of fully human flesh, died on the cross," "what does it mean that God loves me"—are being failed to be asked. They resign themselves to dogma in the name of "faith." Faith is not a dogma.

The final reason lies in 1 Peter 3:15, "... always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you." If I want to defend my faith and evangelize it, I need to a) come to faith myself, and b) understand my faith. Attempting to debate and assert one's faith without having come to it and understanding it oneself is nothing by hypocrisy, even if the subject of faith is valid.

Through this series I hope to find, understand, and appreciate my faith in capacities I couldn't before. If you haven't questioned your faith, I urge you to following along and do so yourself. If you have, I hope you can follow me and provide guidance along the journey.

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Disclaimers

Because I am currently re-evaluating my faith, my usage of personal pronouns may vary; i.e. "the Christian believes" vs "I believe."

Unless stated otherwise, "God" with a capital "G" will refer to the Christian God and "bible" will refer to the canonical christian bible.

This series will refer to Christian, atheist, and other religious philosophers. I will clearly indicate and provide references when consulting outside sources.

I highly recommend checking out the Christian fellowships on campus if you're a Princeton student. I said I was "dismayed," but overall, the community is great. Even as I write this, I'm seeking help from peers and mentors in that community.

I am not a theologian. I am prone to error. I recognize my lack of knowledge. If you disagree or find errors in any of my works, please reach out at ikblog301@gmail.com